The Silence of the In-Laws

Ok, so I come from a very talkative, very dramatic family. We laugh loud. We talk loud. We talk over each other. We tease each other. We joke and argue. We love to have nasty political arguments, or heated dinner discussions about big issues, like what should be done about public education, or how to remedy the war. 

My husband’s family is exactly the opposite. They sit in a corner huddled together, not even attempting to mingle with my family, or me or the kids. They sit there like king and queen and give us all judgmental looks and disapproving stares. They simply do not talk!!! When we go to their house I’m exhausted when we leave because I’ve tried so hard to get a conversation going. My MIL will talk about her Bridge friends, and all the gossip she hears. My father in law only grunts and utters the necessary short phrases. I can tell from his face that I annoy the hell out of him, just because I try to be friendly.

They seem like they hate my family and me. My husband is embarassed by the way they sulk in the corner during holiday get togethers, but now they say they don’t want to do holidays with my family. They claim that my family ignores them and treats them like outsiders. I can’t possible leave my family out and I really resent their victim attitudes. I’d rather tell them they can stick it if I can’t have my family at holidays. Anyone have this situation?

Margaret, MD

My in-laws prefer his Ex

If I do or say anything that bothers my father in law, he says this: “Don’t make me call Jane to come and save our boy.”

Jane is the ex. The one they clearly prefer over me. She is still single, and they still invite her to come and visit them, several times a year. My husband tells them they need to stop seeing her, but they won’t.

I’ve been married to their son five years as of this month. I used to cry, but now I tell my father in law, “Go ahead and call your Janey, big guy.” And I smile. Sometimes I even laugh. It really confuses him!

 

Kara –  Atlanta, Georgia

My Mother in Law is Offensive!

My mother in law uses foul language in front of my children. When they say “Grandma, don’t say words like that!” she says, “I’m 70, I can say whatever I like.”

And she has the most repulsive terms to describe things – like diarrhea. She told me and the kids yesterday, “I was so sick yesterday. Just the worst Hershey squirts.” My kids never heard that before, and asked her what it meant. Now they think that’s the funniest thing they ever heard. I forbid them to say Hershy Squirts in the house because every time I hear it, I want to throw up.

Meanwhile, my mother in law accuses me of being controlling and too prim. “They’ll revolt against you and say horrible things because you won’t let them say anything,” she said.

Am I wrong to think my kids shouldn’t hear or say things like that? How do I censor my MIL?

Johanna P.

Calif

My in-laws favor one child

My in-laws refuse to babysit my son (7), unless my daughter (4) is with him. But they are more than willing to drive for miles to babysit just my daughter. They have no interest in being with him, but they coo all over my daughter. He is older and can see all this. What makes it worse is that my son senses all this and tries even harder to get their attention, which bugs them more. He makes drawings and sings songs and then he starts to get a little annoying, but I can understand why. Sometimes he takes it out on his little sister and then he really gets himself into trouble even though I know why he’s done it. I have no idea what to do about this. My husband tried to tell them they need to spend time with him alone, but they just can’t bring themselves to do it. I think we should not let them see either kid unless they can be fair. Or will I make it worse?

Carrie, Michigan

I had to wipe my mother-in-law!

My mother in law has had 2 facelifts, cheek implants, a chin implant, eye lift, a boob job, and a tummy tuck.  Each time she does this, she comes to my house to recover, though she has her own daughter she can go to. She says her daughter is too busy, she works too hard.  My husband and I have 3 boys under the age of 6, and her daughter has no children. I work part-time from home, but none of that matters to her.

To top it off, we have to order her meals from all the top notch local restaurants because she “just can’t eat those family-style meals you all eat.” Meanwhile I am serving her meals in bed on a tray, and cleaning her gross wounds and helping her to the bathroom. One night she begged me to sit in the bathroom  while she had a bath, because she was afraid she might need me. It took so long I fell asleep on the sink.

My husband fails to mention to her that we can not afford all those ritzy meals, and she should pay for them herself. If she can afford all that fancy surgery, shouldn’t she be able to buy her meals?

The last operation was a tummy tuck. She yelled for me in a panic to come help. I ran into the guest room and saw her on the floor, with her pants soiled. The medication had messed with her and given her such a case of diarrhea that she couldn’t make it to the bathroom. I helped her up. Then she said – “Can you please clean me up, I’m just too nauseated.”

I said, “I’ll just throw on the shower and you can get in right away.”  

She said, “Oh, no. I’m too dizzy. Please just take a washcloth and clean me off.”

I was so stunned I didn’t know what to do.

I wet the cloth and handed it her, still thinking she couldn’t mean it. She handed it right back to me. I had to peel off the soiled clothes, (and later wash them) and then clean her up. I gagged several times and swore that was the end for me.

Just a year later, she wanted to do another facelift. I told her daughter that I would not take her in, and my husband finally backed me up. I fibbed a little, said that the kids were all sick and I was too tired.

My sister-in-law said, “Let her hire some one.”

I said, “Fine, then you can suggest that to her, since she’s your mother.”

My sister-in-law never said a word to her mother. The day before her facelift, MIL called to arrange how I was going to pick her up and bring her to my house. I said, “Didn’t your daughter suggest that you hire someone?”

She said, “Why would she do that?”

I said, “Because it’s not convenient for us.”

It’s been 2 years and  she still talks about how inconvenient she is to me. I don’t know why I was so afraid of this. I ignore her snide remarks and take pleasure in the fact that someone else will be wiping her ass. It’s my sister in laws’ problem now!

From Finally Done! in Atlanta, GA

Honeymoon Hell

I was optimistic, madly-in-love and 29 years old, and I was getting married.  Planning the wedding had its usual stresses -  the melding of two very different families, trying (and failing) to please everyone, the bottomless expenses, the dress, the catering, etc. – for the most part it had gone smoothly.  However, my husband-to-be and I were afraid we wouldn’t be able to afford the honeymoon of our dreams after helping to pay for the wedding.  That’s when my mother-in-law stepped in, and said that she and her husband would pay for our honeymoon in Hawaii – the whole kit and kaboodle –  their wedding gift to us.

I was overjoyed, to say the least, and I couldn’t believe the generosity of my future in-laws.  My fiance was pretty tight-lipped about the whole planning process – he was taking care of the details.

The wedding day was a dream day. The weather was perfect, as was everything. After the wedding we changed into our departure outfits and made a final appearance to our cheering guests.  As we said goodbye to everyone, I noticed that my new husband’s parents were nowhere to be seen.  I was concerned, because I wanted to thank them one last time for what was promising to be the trip of a lifetime. “Don’t worry,” my husband said, as he gave me a quick kiss and a reassuring squeeze of my hand. “We don’t have time – let’s get to the car and we can call them later.” 

We ran to our waiting limo, an enormous stretch, bags already packed and in the trunk, ready to be whisked away to the airport and our plane…..dare I hope that his parents would have sprung for first class seats?  In the excitement of piling in and arranging myself in the limo, I failed to fully take in my surroundings.  Once the door shut behind my husband, I was greeted with a rousing “HELLO, NEWLYWEDS!” The sound came from my mother-in-law, seated next to my father-in-law, both of them grinning from ear to ear in tropical prints and clutching a pile of plane tickets. My brain buzzing with alcohol and excitement, I still failed to notice the warning sirens going off in my brain.  They must be here to say a final goodbye, right?  

Then, slowly, as if in a really bad, really sad movie, the pieces fit together.  The limo was speeding toward the airport with four passengers.  Mother and father-in-law were wearing tropical shirts.  They were holding four tickets – FOUR TICKETS.  Wha….I began.  “Oh, yeah, Mom and Dad are com….”my husband began. “We can’t WAIT to get to Hawaii!  Dad and I haven’t been on a vacation in so long – we just couldn’t pass up the opportunity with airfare being so cheap now and everything.  Oh don’t worry, dear, we won’t be in the way at all – you won’t even know we’re there…..” She was still babbling on, but her voice faded into the background as the realization sunk in – my in-laws were accompanying me and my husband on our honeymoon – OUR HONEYMOON. 

When were you planning on telling me this?  I asked.  Oh, I didn’t think it would be a big deal – we won’t even see them. 

He was right – we didn’t see them – ON THE PLANE – because they were in first class and we were in coach (turns out they bought first class tickets after all – for themselves!).  Once we got to the resort, however, I couldn’t get them out of my sight – rather, I couldn’t get the sight of my father-in-law in his speedo bikini out of my head.  We were in adjoining rooms, dined at breakfast with them, and saw them at the pool. They went with us on our helicopter tours of the island (it’s much cheaper to buy a group of 4 tickets than just two!) and insisted on taking us out to dinner.  The only times we were alone during the day were when we went snorkeling (my mother-in-law is afraid of fish). At night, we had to do it so quietly it wasn’t even worth it – what if they heard us next door? We had privacy for only one night – when we went to a restaurant together and gave them the slip out the back door so we could actually get back to the hotel and do it without worrying about someone overhearing us. And even then I had to suffer through my father-in-law’s insinuating winks at breakfast the next morning, so I felt as though they had been right there in the bedroom with us.

After  we returned I couldn’t bring myself to speak to them for at least 3 months.  Unfortunately I couldn’t give my husband the silent treatment.  What was he thinking?! As infuriated as I was by my in-laws’ intrusion into what should be the most romantic, private, and wonderful time of my life, I was even more upset with my husband for his complicity in the whole affair.  What a wimp for not standing up to his parents and insisting that we have some privacy – I happily would have waited until we could afford a trip had I known what I was in for.  This is how we began our marriage.

-sent in from Rita S. in Georgia

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